I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
