I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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