The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Randomize
