I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
