Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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