Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
40s are totally the cure
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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