i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize