I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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