I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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