How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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