There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
