does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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