You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
