Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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