I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
