Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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