true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
