Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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