I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
