I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
