My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
