Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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