it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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