I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
