The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
