I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize