it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
