Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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