Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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