my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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