I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
