just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
