I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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