when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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