I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
