Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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