over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
