Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Dignity is for republicans.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Randomize
