I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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