just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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