i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
