The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
