I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
