My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
