So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
