On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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