Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
