Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
