I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
