I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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