One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
