I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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