My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
