The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
