I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
