No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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